Something I'm learning:
Since I first found out about Jacques, God sheltered me like nobody's business. It was beautiful. I didn't have to think about praying...He was constantly consoling me! He showered me with great peace!
Then things changed a bit. Especially in the afternoons, I felt a cloud creeping upon me...a disturbing cloud of sadness...I initially accepted it as the natural progression of things.
But then God showed me that He doesn't want me (or anyone) to dwell under that cloud. Negative feelings are not from Him. He wants me to be at peace, but to dwell in this peace will take perseverance in prayer and trust in Him. It will take a conscious mental shift towards Heaven and Jacques' eternal peace and happiness in the moments when I feel sad. It will take a CHOICE to be happy and to love and to receive the graces of peace and joy. And this will only come in the quiet of prayer. In the turning of my mind and heart to Him. In giving God my TIME, I will receive ETERNITY. There is nothing to fear!
I have experienced and know I will continue to experience sorrow as I miss Jacques' physical presence among us. But I pray for the grace to grieve in the light. To recognize the dark cloud that masquerades as "mourning", but is in reality the beginning of despair. I pray for the grace to recognize it and step out from underneath its draining shadow.
And to move into the light. I don't know exactly what it means to grieve in the light. But I would guess it has something to do with being deep-down at peace. :) Having peace and the freedom to cry tears of both laughter and joy. To cry tears of brokenness. But brokenness with thanksgiving because the Holy Spirit wraps Himself around me as He heals.
Jesus said "Blessed are those who mourn/ for they shall be comforted."
Blessed=happy.
Only with God is such a thing possible. :)
O, and a cute bit from my 11-year old brother Boyce, who loves making connections and puns with words:
You know Saint Therese of Lisieux, the Little Flower?
Well, now
I really hope you continue writing these blogs. They have helped me through this process of grieving so much and I enjoy reading them all together. I've never met you or your family, other than Jacques. I'm Nicole Wichers. I worked with Jacques at Winn Dixie and we went to SLU together. I've known Jacques since he first started at WD and was fresh out of homeschooling. I loved your brother as if he were my own brother. He was always there for me, he was even at my wedding. I wish I had gotten to know you and your family before his passing. You and your family are truly beautiful people, inside and out.
ReplyDeleteThis is so beautiful!
ReplyDeleteYou are teaching soo many people how to love, Angelle! I'm soo thankful!
ReplyDeleteAngelle,
ReplyDeleteYou've been in my prayers and I absolutely love the words you've been writing. Your spirit is beautiful and I know you will keep hold of the light God has been giving you in such a difficult time. You are beautiful!
Susan
@ Nicole: Thank you. :) Jacques talked about you often, and I actually remember him going to your wedding. I hope to meet you sometime! Do you still work at WD?
ReplyDelete@Susan: LOVE YOU! Yay you have a blog! I will follow. :) Hope Rome is treating you well. lol